I'm not going to go into all of the things that have happened since my last post. I'm really just typing this because I have something on my mind that I need to get out.
I've realized that, no matter how far I've come, I'm still not happy. Granted, I'm happier, but not happy. I'm out of shape, I drink too much, I smoke too many cigarettes and I eat for comfort which is NOT helping the situation. I know I'm not an alcoholic, but I AM using these things to escape. I'm ready to admit that now. The problem is, these things are having a terribly negative effect on my life in general. I am typing this in hopes that venting will allow me some sort of clarity so that I can move forward. Even if it helps a small amount, it's better than nothing.
And now there's a girl.... sort of. She's interested. It's obvious even to me and I'm always oblivious. She's cute and she has great eyes and she looks fanTASTIC in yoga pants... but it also scares me. It scares me and makes me realize that I am lonely... and have been for a long time. Even though I thought being alone was the best thing ever, I now see that I must have been in denial. After all, I am a hopeless romantic at heart. I don't think being single by choice AND a romantic can really make sense, but I've been forcing it to make sense so I don't have to face the fact that I am incapable of having a healthy relationship.
I want badly to fix all these things. Today I stayed home from work and that made me feel guilty, so I've been thinking about this stuff all freakin' day. I think I've come to the breaking point. It's either get off my ass or go rocketing toward the bottom. Success does seem to be the more pleasant of the two.
I am terrified.